Page None: Where is the New York Times?

In my time on the Internet, I’ve done a few projects:

• I’ve written quite a few poems. I even turned some of them into a lackluster book.
• I’ve maintained a couple of blogs which I would occasionally update.
• I’ve recorded episodes for four different podcasts which occasionally come out on schedule.

Over the past two days, I’ve become aware of how disappointing it is for something not to be as punctual. I’m not talking about a blog or podcast. I’m talking about a paid subscription to the “paper of record,” The New York Times.

Yesterday, Labor Day — in the United States, at least — was to be my first delivery of Monday’s Times. I was ready. A spot was cleared on my kitchen table. Coffee was brewing. Today, I was going to be a real grown-up and sit down to read the paper.

I will state for the record that I have, at the time of my writing this, have no children to ignore sitting opposite me at the kitchen table. Well, not to my knowledge.

When I noticed my issue of the Times was not on my porch around 7:40 AM, I checked their app on my iPhone.

After tapping through the login process I saw a notification at the top of the page, “There has been a problem with delivery. Your paper is delayed, but it should be there by 8:00.”

At 8:20 AM I was still paperless. I filed a support ticket using the app and prepared a second pot of coffee — I drink fast, please don’t @ me.

An hour later I stepped onto my front porch, lit a cigarette and decided to do this the old fashioned way. I was going to call customer service.

The first person I spoke to was very helpful. She explained to me that there was still a window of time for the redelivery to be completed. I was told that if the paper didn’t arrive by 10:30 to give them a callback. At 10:45 that’s what I did. Again at 12:31 because I was impatient and had been told that 12:30 was the absolute guaranteed delivery cutoff.

At 12:33 I spoke to Bryan, with a “Y” as in, “why hasn’t my paper been delivered?” He started on the right foot, and he really needed to. I was informed by Bryan my service area does not do same-day redelivery. If I wanted my Monday paper delivered I’d have to wait for Tuesday morning to roll around.

I explained to Bryan that I understood and that I wish the previous representatives had been as forthright with the information available. We both chalked it up to them being new hires. They’re probably just learning the ropes. It’s not their fault. I asked Bryan to transfer me to Account Management so I could cancel my subscription.

I was assured that my paper would continue to be delivered for the four weeks I had already paid for. I was given a credit of $0.87 for the missed paper and a sincere apology from the Account rep, Carol, “Like Christmas.” It wasn’t her fault either.

This morning I woke up a bit earlier than usual — early enough to see if the Times delivery issue was a one-off fluke, or something more disappointing.

Dining room table cleared. Coffee brewing. At 6:15 I stepped outside with a steaming mug and lit my first cigarette of the day. I found no bundled copy of the Times on my porch.

I tried to submit another missed paper complaint to the Times on the app but discovered, since my subscription had been canceled, I would have to call customer service to report missed deliveries.

At 7:00 I called for the fourth time in half as many days. I spoke with Tamika, whose name and voice matched the first rep I had spoken to the day prior. I informed her of the delivery issue and requested a credit to my account.

After this clicked for her, she apologized for the inconvenience and joked, “we’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

She told me the complaint was sent to the distribution center and the escalated complaint to management submitted yesterday would be received by the center’s leaders this morning.

I then asked if there was any way for me to contact the center myself. Tamika said, “I don’t have access to information on our carriers. They aren’t obligated to report that information to us, so I can’t give it to you.”

Tamika then tried to explain how to used the automated online system to report delivery issues. I explained I no longer had access to that function because the subscription was canceled. I was told I was wrong because I’m still an active subscriber. After this clicked for her, she apologized for the inconvenience and joked, “we’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

I’m glad to know that the Times put in as much forethought and consideration into their distribution system as they did to make Bret Stephens a tenured columnist. I have no doubt that I will have to talk to them tomorrow.